icon for xcounting-wolvesx on deviantart
if you could fucking consider my feelings, just once
the world has just gone to shit, i don't know how to exist here anymore
I just want to go to sleep and dream that everything is okay and never wake up
for @/raphaelion on DA
what the fuck am i doing wrong
what the fuck am i doing wrong
a custom for someone , these are available on my Deviantart (noctis-crow) though sadly I can only accept DA Points at the moment.
You're a liar. You're a damn liar. Pretty sure you're lying to me :)
honestly wish you'd just gtfo if you're gonna do it anyway. I was never stupid enough to think you'd care about me longer than anyone else, you know
oh hey by the way, I do commissions on Deviantart if anyone is active there
I can't take PayPal for personal reasons, but DA points work as a currency for me! <3
some examples of my art:
reblogs super appreciated!! <3
thank u all so much ;0;
photo study not sure if i like it but thats kind of always my stance on anything i draw
some retrowave furry content i spose
how many more little electric-shock moments of rage am I going to be able to handle from other people and the things they do before I finally snap and start treating everyone like shit
this was inconcievable to me at one point in time, but then after a while i figure- if no one values me, what have I got to lose?
fuck this. fuck you and fuck all the ways that I know youre using me but im too much of a pussy to bring it up
fuck staying silent about absolutely everything because i'd rather make up stories and excuses for absolutely everyone than cause a conflict
fuck needing to be somebody's punching bag or therapist to feel useful and needed and loved
yet as i say this i know damn well nothings gonna change. im not the same asshole in real life that i am in my head. i cant convince myself i matter or that im right about anything.
i cant convince myself that my gut instincts and the drained feeling that follows me can possibly be real, and not just a carry-over from things long past
im so fucking TIRED of not feeling like i matter. im tired of not feeling like im good enough to deserve respect. im tired of constantly feeling like everyone hates me and thinks i'm stupid and feeling unwanted and laughed at and bitched about when im not around
I know they HAVE to laugh at me when I'm not around
but never to my face, because who would want to lose their best doormat?
*feed runs out of serotonin-inducing fan content for me to absorb*
ok back to wishing i was dead
some bitching under the cut LOL i like to do it here sometimes cause i feel better knowing nobody i talk to regularly will see it
but damn in spite of the fact that i have evidence to the contrary nowadays i still really do be feeling like i mean nothing to anybody
or at least i guess i feel like i *should* mean nothing to everyone, like... i dont know ive gotten into this schpiel before about how I consider myself extremely repulsive and annoying and worthless and that opinion still stands, tried to change it didnt work so we're stuck with it, lmao
so i dont get why people seem to care about me and my contant conclusion is "they're lying to me because all they actually like about me is the fact that i bend over backwards to make them feel appreciated and special and they're just using me" which would explain a LOT especially the people who used to vent to me everyday and i thought we were friends due to the constant communication but once things started getting easier for them they just disappeared
or they hang around but like. only to vent and then fuck off for 3 more months
idk im great at attracting people who just want to go off about something to someone who will listen, because i will tolerate literally whatever just to feel like im useful and my company is beneficial
doesnt help that my close friend of 11 years is going through a time right now and ive heard from them maybe once in the last like 10 days and im kind of going nuts over it... i just want to help but things have been getting weird and different between us in the last 2 years and I'm not an idiot, by now in life I know the signs of someone forgetting about me, and it's stupid that I actually thought she'd be different because she's known me so long.. like my fuckass idiotic train of thought was "oh most of the people who forget about me only knew me for a year or two!! she's known me this long so we're gonna be friends for the rest of our lives probably!! : ))" yeah keep thinking that fuckface, LOL
it kinda hurts how blunt people can be about that too
like some people will really care about you so fucking little that they can just be like "oh I forgot to talk to you LOL. Oh i havent felt like checking in on you LOL. Oh i just never think about you or any of the things that are important to us. Oh, you're just never on my mind at all, even though I can tell you still think about me and worry about me constantly. Haha, lol"
thanks, ill go fuck myself then
maybe i'd be fine if i could be stable with the people i got right now, and my perception of our relationships, but how are you supposed to trust that you can count on these people to be around forever when history has clearly and undeniably proven that you are just NOT good enough, and everyone will get bored or sick of you eventually? How are you supposed to humor yourself? By lying? I guess I might as well (what's one more lie to tell, I feel like i tell them constantly and i hate myself for it), but still... even if i could trust that they really do care and always will, i still feel useless to them. im not enough. i just want to help and i just want to make them happy and i just want to be reliable and fun and supportive and rewarding to be around but im,,, nobody special at all and nothing i do is ever enough. they -say- its enough because they don't want to hurt my feelings, they know i'm a stupid little bitch baby with big annoying sensitive feelings, and thats obnoxious to deal with so why set it off. so they lie. same way i lie. so i help nobody and get all the praise and i sit here just wishing i could fucking die and stop wasting oxygen because i'm quite literally never going to do anything in my entire life to justify the fact that i exist. i'll only ever just be a burden and an unwanted or draining presence who does all the wrong things and has all the stupidest reactions and just can't fucking function or be useful in any way
it fucking HURTS man. i wish i didnt feel like i deserve to die. i wish i could wake up and be self-assured in the fact that i exist and live my life feeling like i have meaning and worth and that people would be glad to have me around. but i cant. so i dont do anything. and i get lonlier and sadder and its just gonna get worse. everyones doing things. everyone's going away to college and moving on and im sitting here in my moms basement alone like i am everday staring at the fucking computer again. typing self pitying bullshit to a site where no one cares that im alive because, once again, i cant figure out how to TRY to connect to anyone.
and thats all thats ever going to be. its easy to SAY i need to change but harder to believe you can
and i dont believe i can
so here we are.